The comeback is always stronger than the set back
This year has been rough. I entered into 2017 with high hopes and dreams but just sixteen days in and my world crumbled around me completely out of my control.
I was going about my own life that evening and out of nowhere it all happened.
That evening is kind of blur now. When the feelings of panic, anger, hurt, confusion set in and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Physical shaking all over my body, crying, nausea, hyperventilating, it was all happening. Panic attacks make you feel like the world is going to end and I really felt like that was it for me, but in that moment I didn’t care what would happen.
Even writing this ten months on it makes my chest feel tight.
I think most of us have been there where you feel a terrible emptiness; like your heart has been wringed dry of all your plans for the future, your trust in everyone has disappeared and you don’t know who you are anymore. You can’t eat or sleep and you want to be left alone to wallow in your darkness.
Those closest to you cry with you; they try with all their might to pull you back into reality but it won’t work until you’re ready to try. You blame yourself and punish yourself; what if I had done something different? Not eating, not getting up, not sleeping as you feel you don’t deserve to do even basic everyday tasks; that you are a problem.
A quiet voice whispers to you that it isn’t your fault, but anger quickly squashes that.
One day the storm settles a little and you decide to try and find yourself; to fight for yourself. Small, bright embers alight in your heart and soul and the resilience you once had starts to grow again.
We are now in October and I am over the other side of the hill but some wounds take longer to heal than others. With heartbreak comes strength, even though it won’t feel like it some days, and I have come out the other side a much more resilient and stronger woman than I would have been otherwise. My relationships are cemented and I feel more secure than I ever did before.
It’s important not to force yourself or put unnecessary pressure yourself. Let yourself go through the different emotions; anger, hurt, confusion, doubt, hate, depression, longing, grief, sadness.
The comeback is always stronger than the set back and I am living proof of that.
The final building blocks of Han are still being built but I hope I can look back on this post soon and see how far I have come.
Photo: Alexandra Cameron